A NeW YeAr...

I'm not really a New Year's celebrator.  I don't make resolutions.  I didn't even make it to midnight. Hahaha. Although Jackson and I tried really hard!  :)  Reagan and Harrison pooped out early, so we sat down on the couch to watch the ball drop with about 20 minutes to go.... and the next thing I remember is waking up and trying to coax him down the hall to his bed at about 1:30 am.  Hahaha.  We did have a fun night watching movies and hanging out.... and the boys love anything that gives them an excuse to stay up WAY too late.  :)  

But the thing I usually think about the most at the beginning of a new year, is the year that's ending.  How incredibly blessed I have been.  How much things have changed.... or haven't.  ;)  How fast my kids seem to be growing. How sometimes the days feel like forever... but the years seem to fly.  Milestones and memories, challenges and changes. 

A lot of people I know were picking a word to help them define what they hope for in the year to come. At the time, the only word I could come up with was SURVIVE.  Hahaha.  It sounds almost sad, I know.  But it was a rough end to my 2012, physically.  And while I am feeling better, there seems to be no end to my attempting and failing to get ahead and stay on top of things.  Which I am sure is setting the tone for my new self as a mother of 4.  Holy crap, 4 kids!!  Haha.  It feels sort of impossible, even though I know it's not.  Good grief, being pregnant and trying to keep up with the 3 I already have, also seems impossible... but isn't.  It's just not ideal.  I am surviving. 

I've discovered that 30 is my "tap out" age for child bearing.  Hahaha.  I love being a mother.  But I don't particularly love the mother (or wife) I am when I'm pregnant.  I am simply not the best version of myself right now.  But even beyond actually growing and having this baby, there is the adjustment period,  and sleepless nights... On top of juggling school, preschool, callings, sports, practices, therapy, doctor visits, etc. So... more surviving. ;)

There are days, when I reach the end and I am just super excited because everyone got to wear clean clothes and got fed the appropriate amount of times. :)  On those days, survival is success!  And I'm ok with that.  It won't be this way forever.  But I don't like the idea of that being the word that defines my 2013.  I am not just a survivor.  I don't even like to think of my life like that.  It sounds so cold and non-feeling.  Like I just have to get through the day. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. So I should clarify.... I love my life, and my family! And I am extremely excited about this new little person entering our lives! .... I know how incredibly blessed I am!  I just seem to have misplaced my motivation... and my energy.... and my patience.  Hahaha.  So when this baby is born, and life changes and we find our new normal, I will pick a different word.  One that better suits what I really hope to gain in 2013.  :)

But for now, I am just counting my blessings.  And loving and appreciating that they love me ...regardless of how clean our house is ...or how many times I forget about things ...or that I fall asleep if I sit down for too long ...or that I lose my patience way too fast.  They are my people!  :)  I LOVE them more than they will ever know!  I love them for surviving me!  :)