Hi, my name is Jennie and...

...I had my first meltdown at the grocery store tonight.  Yep, me.  Well, and Reagan. (But that's normal.) We had a really good time tonight at Jackson's Christmas concert. (Thank you Kim for your help, and video to come if I figure it out.)  But we had to run to the store to grab some things for a school party Jackson has tomorrow... and today has been our first official day out of quarantine.  No big deal, right?!  Apparently not.

Reagan was hungry, so she was laying in the seat of the cart drinking a bottle (I usually have her in a backpack thing at the store, she can't sit in the cart.), Harrison was "driving" the car attached to the front of the cart and Jackson was walking and doing an excellent job of being good!  We got everything we needed, it was awesome!  And then the check out came.  Reagan finished eating and started to cry.  I picked her up, she continued to cry.  I am used to her crying at the store, it's part of life with Reagan, so it wasn't a big deal to me. I laid her back down to unload my cart... she got louder.  I looked back and saw the glares of the 9 people behind me in line. I was trying to hurry, that was about all I could do.  

I had to wrangle the boys, Harrison was trying to escape.  And as I got back up to the register I was met by the same 9 irritated faces!  I hadn't cost them any time, the cashier was still ringing me up.  I didn't have too many items for the line.  But I quickly noticed that Reagan seemed to be the main source of irritation. The lady behind me was really upset with me for laying her in the cart and letting her crying, she kept turning around to loudly tell her husband.  She had a very new baby with her, a girl, who didn't make a peep.  It was probably really easy for her to judge me. 

I really wanted to say something to her, "My daughter can't sit in a cart, or won't might be the better word, and yes I know she's almost 1.  My daughter hates the store, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  My daughter isn't like yours lady.  So if it bothers you so much, remember my face, and next time don't get behind me in line!".  Sigh... I was much feistier in my head... instead I cowered and kept my eyes down.  I couldn't say anything, I was busy fighting back the tears... The cashier was super nice and helpful.  We hurried and got loaded up.  I picked Reagan up, she hugged me and kept crying.  And I held it in until I got to the door.  ...She stopped the moment we got outside.  As usual.  But I lost it. 

It isn't the first time I've had it happen, the crying or staring or comments, or even the worst.  I think what got to me was the look on that ladys face, like something was wrong with me!  I'm not a perfect mom, I think my last few posts can vouch for that, but I try really hard!  And for some reason, it really hurt me.  Usually I ignore them all together or if I feel it's necessary, say something to help them understand.  I don't cry about it... But I felt broken. 

We got loaded in the car.  I put the car in reverse and waited for the guy next to me to back out.  He stopped part way out and I realize he had hit my cart that I left behind my car.  Oh crap!  I get out to apologize and (I kid you not) with the sweetest voice he smiles and acts like he thought it was his and tells me to have a good night.  I cried even harder when I got back in the car.  Heaven bless people like him!  It was obvious the cart wasn't his.  He had an actual right to be upset with me.  Maybe he was afraid I would have a psychotic break.  All I know is that he didn't have to be nice, but he was anyway. 

So I cried at the store today.  I'm sure it won't be the last time.  But what I really wanted to remember about it, was how it ended, with some kindness from a stranger.